Experiments turn people into lab rats

posted in: Sports, Spring | 0

It looks like the thesis presentations for exercise science majors will have to be postponed.

The significant amount of student fatalities from the experimental case studies have resulted in the number of presentations on Senior Projects Day decreasing dramatically.

The practice of using fellow students for lethal experiments within the science departments has been active at Pacific University since representatives from the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, PETA, threatened with law suits as they found the use of cat corpses and lab rats morally unethical, deeming a rodents’ life “too valuable.”

Fortunately, the lives of undergraduate students were enthusiastically deemed as disposable, so many students and recent alumni were lining up to volunteer as the next sacrifices.

“We noticed that a number of students willing to sacrifice for the senior projects happened to skyrocket after we email out the billing statements each semester,” Student Account Coordinator Ben Bateman said. “As of now, we have yet to figure out the connection between the two.”

Unfortunately, the science department is running out of students from other majors to kill off for their projects, and until Pacific starts enrolling more students, the department will have no choice but to kill off each other.

One student suffering in particular was exercise science senior Doc Kevorkian, whose project focused on how the ability to hold your breath under water is inhibited by levels of exhaustion.

“It was a fairly easy experiment,” Kevorkian said. “I tied the lab rats—sorry, I meant volunteers from the English Department—onto stationary bikes placed at the bottom of the swimming pool on campus and timed them while they keep pedaling to see how long it took them to drown.”

Kevorkian’s project requires many more sacrifices than the English department has to offer, resulting in the quality of his project to be compromised.

“I truly underestimated how successful my project would be,” Kevorkian said. “ All of the students were dying off so well.”

Because the majority of killed students being were current Pacific students, the amount of tuition being paid to Pacific has depleted dramatically.

In a way to cut costs, along with giving a proper memorial to the fallen guinea pigs, remnants of the bodies will be placed in various areas on campus.

“This is a great chance to pay respects,” Associate Dean Steve Smith said. “The ashes will be used as part of building construction, landscaping projects, and filler for different sets of furniture within Marsh Hall. “

The exercise science departments are still searching for more students to kill for next year.

“We will definitely put a priority on the art majors that wish to volunteer,” Smith said. “With the program disintegrating, both staff and the students have very little to lose.”

Anyone interested to be an experimental subject for exercise science should go to any professor in Strain Hall.


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