Sandpit flooding leads to swim lessons for students

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Oregon has been experiencing an absurd amount of rain—nearly triple the normal amount of rain has accumulated over the past four months (Thanks, El Nino). Roads have flooded, waterfalls emerged, ocean levels rose–some even say classes should be cancelled completely during inclement weather as such.

To mitigate these dramatic changes, the athletic department has decided to take advantage of this incessant downpour. Starting April 4, every night from four to five p.m., the swim team will be offering lessons in the Sand Pit Puddle to any and all who are interested. It is $50 for group instruction, and $100 for private lessons – or you could just charge it to your student account.

There is now no need to walk all the way to the Aquatic Center when you can hop in after you’re done with classes for the day. In fact, if these lessons are as popular are predicted, some officials are forecasting that the Aquatic Center could become obsolete in two to five years.

Athletic Director Ken Schuman said “The demand for swim lessons on campus is high. There simply isn’t enough room for our students to share the Aquatic Center with the city’s residents. We can see this program evolving from swim lessons for beginners, to SCUBA certification, and possibly even the World’s Tiniest Water Park.”

It is rumored that if these classes become too popular, management may consider hosting at the baseball and softball fields.Management sees absolutely no flaws in its current plans and will use the money from swim lessons to finance a Kanye West concert exclusively for faculty and staff.


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